The Last Day of 2007

Thx 4 ur everything in this year.

To tell the truth, it was very very bad year.
Provably, this year was one of the worst years Ive ever had before.

At the very beginning of this year, I got an unknown disease. I was hospitalized and took a very very painful surgery. Coz I was absent from school for 'bout 3 months, I had to take EAP3 w freshmen. I was behind my old classmates. I spend rly rly hard time during Spring semester.
I had a trouble w an American guy. I had to say too much to him. It was very frustrating!!

During the summer vacation, I had a very bad headache spell. It was the worst one. I added "Level 5" in my headache level list. I was almost dying...

After the SV, my best friend in AIU went back to her hometown coz she was depressed. I didn't know what to do. And my body condition wasn't good as usual. I was absent from skool many times. I had my wisdom teeth pulled out. Es, left one was terrible. My face was swallon very much. I had a high fever. It took 'bout 1 week to recover from it.

I was suffering from relationships w my "friends". I was asking "Wat r friedns????". I don't get exact answers yet. I felt that I had no place that I could exist. In Skool, in SV committee, in SLC club, in Classes, in anywhere....Anyway it was very hard to stay AIU. The best friend came to c me after the final exams and told me that she decided she will leave the skool. Coz she found her own way so I should be glad to hear that. However, my heart sank. Half of me felt rly excited for her, but the half felt alone. I donno how I should live without her. I felt that there was nobody to help me. I came back to my hometown asap. But just before that, I found out that my left eye also had sth wrong. Damn....Why? Why? Why?

How can I be Positive???
How can I be Active??

I rly rly rly wish that next year will be very very very good year!!!!

Winter Vacation in my Hometown

Im in my hometown now :-)
I came back here on 23 Sun. Ah, it is rly good that I dont have to do anything eveyday lol

Oh,　wait!!

I do house work everyday!! But I dont have to study very very hard, huh??
These days, I just sleep a lot, play the piano, study chinese, do housework etc etc...
Ha, I do a lot anyway!! lol

I decided to study Chinese everyday and write a blog in Chinese as much as I can<3
It is rly fun to study chinese<3>
as I wanted. Therefore Im so happy.

I finished watching Taiwanese drama "Romantic Princess".
It was rly rly interesting!! The main casts were my favorite singers.
Angela Chang, Wu Zun, and Calvin were gr8!!
Im watching it again now!! :p

Today, I downloaded many musics from the internet.
U know, it is very hard to get Taiwanese or Chinese music in Japan.
American music is famous and we can easily get some American or British music in Japan.
However, there are not so many Taiwanese or Chinese CDs in Japan.
I found some good websites to download Taiwanese or Chinese music freely :-D

I downloaded many music!! Fahrenhite's and Angela Chang's music.
I want more~but there was sth worng in my computer.
Damn... Ill try again tmr :-)

Well, one of my high skool friends r gonna come to c me~<3
Im very looking forward to her coming :D

What's done cannot be undone.

Yep, I know that.

Damn it!! Wat the heck did I do?
I rly regret everything I did to ya, dear. U know, t'was all my fault.

Im sry my friend.

Would u forgive me?
Can u be my friend again?
May I stay by ur side again?

Whenever I c u, I wanna talk and c ur smile:-)
I dont c ur smile for a long time, dear.
Did I make u so sad?
I took ur smile from ya, huh?

R u ok?
Rly sry.
Can u smile at me again?

I cant drive u away from my mind.
I tried not to think 'bout u, but I couldn't.
U know, tmr is the very important day 4 us.
We r gonna have a big final exam of Int'l relationship course.

Yet, I cant concentrate on my work.
I've never felt like this.
Even when I thought 'bout the person who I liked, I've never felt like this.

But That is all I deserve it.

I still believe that my decision would be the best 4 u.
I believe that u would manage ur stuff w all of ur strength.

Please understand.
This is the way I can show my friendship to u.
I cant show it in any other way now.
Sry, girly.

I luv u.

Priority

Was I wrong?? Y should I suffer from many things these days??

Im down very much...but y??

Coz,,,
I can't manage my time properly these days?
I couldn't write good essay this time and I have to rewrite it?
I don't think I can get A nor B in SPC class any more?
My body condition is bad as usual?

Yea...kind of...
All of them r also the reasons y Im so down.

Yet, Sth is different.
It's not the true reason!!!

I kinda feel...I lost very important thing. I hurted u a lot,right?
It was hard to leave u alone.
It was painful to say those things 2 u who was crying.

Wat did I do?? I should notice more earlier.
Am I ur real friend??
Good friend shouldn't act like that, did they?!

If I wanted to say "Im ur good friend."
Then, I should think about u seriously more.
I should really think about ur future as a friend.

But I didn't do so...
As a result, what happened??
C?? How stupid I was!!!! Shit!!!!!!
I was thinking just about myself. I said "everything is for u."

Ha!!!! Shut up!!!

I just didn't wanna be alone.
I just wanted to be "a good person."
I just, just want u to be by my side.

I should release u earlier.
I should be ur good friend.

I'm very sorry,my dear.
Everything is my fault.

In the times of trouble...

11/18, 2007 Sunday.

I overslept and I was rly in a hurry.
Then, I took a wrong bus :-(
I had to call and changed the appointment of the dentist.
I should be there at 11:30 actually.
The time changed to 3:30 so I had to stay in Akita city until at least 5 or 6.
The wrong bus took me to the Wada sta.
I had to wait for 11:53 train there.
I had to pay extra money which I didnt suppose to pay X-O

Wat a day~!!!!!!!!

It was coooooold and rainy.
Damn...

However, I could meet Ruri in Wada sta.
We talked until the train comes.
The train was not crowded so I could sit down.
I could have enough time to let my back hair down at Starbucks in Akita city.
I could see Kerry who is one of gr8 teachers of AIU there.
I could concentrate on my HW.
I could eat yammyyyyy Hanamaru-Udon 4 my lunch ~<3>

After I went to the dentist, I walked back to the Akita sta.
I could take a bus which comes back to Goshono right away.
It was snowyyyyyyy :-D
I LUV snow very much!!!!
LALALA~~let it snow, let it snow, let it snow~~:p

White snow seems like that it covers up every thing.
I feel like that it would bring a whole new world to me.
And then I imagine that "Im not the one whom I used to be anymore!!!!!! hahaha :-D"

It seemed to be a bad day. It could be.
Yet, I prefer to say it was a lucky day~!!
Bad day and Good day is close-knit. If I think about the day negatively,
my thoughts would be gravitated deeply in that way.

Even if I had a bustling day, I wanna have time to look up in the sky.
If I thought the day was nonsensical, there would be at least one lil special thing.
I don't care decency. It is trifling!!! Hahaha
If I think everyday is just a worthlessness. Try to get out from such a degradation!!
There would be stupendous things in every single day.
Don't wither~!!

C?? Everything is up to me!!not somebody else.
ATTITUDE, it's rly up to me!!!!!!!!!!!

The show must go on...

Again...

Last night, (11/15/07 Thu) I had a spell of terrible headache again. I remember that I had the same bad spell last year in the AIU dorm around this season too.

I started to feel strange from 1 or 2 o'clock during Compute Literacy class. However, it was the day of weekly test 4, besides there was no bus if I left the class around 2 or 3. The class finished at 3 and I took the 3:40 bus, and came back home at 4 o'clock. I slept a lil bit but at 5:30, AJ came to see me. He came to Akita on Wed from Tokyo and he stayed Akita for only 2 day or so... there was no chance to c him except yesterday. Yet, I was so sick... I could hardly sit down.

After he left my home, I tried to to sleep. However, I couldn't.The headache became worse and worse. So, I called to Mayu who is a good friends of mine. She came to my home. At around 10 o'clock, I gave up to put up with the strong awful pain. Mayu called 119 and an ambulance came. I was taken to the emergency room of the Red Cross Hospital. I felt very bad. I was almost vomiting. During taking the CT scan, it was hard to stay on the bed without moving.

I put on a drip which contains sleeper and medicine for nausea. There are no medicines for my headache. Nobody can tell what it is. There was anything wrong on the CT pics.

Well, "Thank you, Mayu. I feel very sorry but I really appreciate your kindness and friendship. I feel that u r my friend. I need you very much."

Today, I was absent from the Int'l relationship class. I took shower and prepared to go to AIU. However, I felt bad and I gave up... I rly luv that class. I was rly looking forward to attending the class. I gotta review today's' chapter and catch up with the class asap!!!

I slept all day today. But still I feel a lil bit strange and my head has dull pain....Shoot ;-(

I don't know how I should manage this disease.
How long must I be afraid of this?

I watched a TV about headache today. It said that if I had strong headache so often, I would die earlier than other healthy people. Coz, the blood vessels of my brain is getting bad damage lil by lil every time I have headache. I would have cerebral infraction in the future. The percentage is 2 times as much as people who don't have headache.

I feel scared.

These days, I feel rly down mentally. What is worse, my body condition is like this!!

How can I do? I know I have to live as long as I live even though it is hard for me. There are many things that I can't predict, manage, and change in the life. Negative thoughts will cause more bad things. I know but I can't think in positive way now. I can't remember how to smile again. I want something which proves I am here. I need someone who needs me very much. Boys? Girls? Whoever. I don't need one-way feeling anymore. Please give me absolute thing. I know it is difficult to have absolute thing in the life. I know there is nothing which lasts forever in the world. Someone, show me true friendship. I need more. I need more. I can’t be satisfying w anything now.

It's not enough.

I want to believe something or someone as it or she/he is forever. Or, I wanna get away from it all. I wanna go somewhere that nobody knows me.

I'm tired…to live.

The World

It’s easy to control everything in my life.
Coz, in my life, everything is fiction completely.

There is no real.
There is no fact.

The world just exists there.
I clip some part of the world out of the entire world based on my point of view.
I choose some of my feelings for each part and stick them on.
Thus I create my "world" using many those kind of parts.It is just like a mosaic art.
Each person has own mosaic art, own "world".

There are no same "worlds" in this world.

Language is just a way to connect person and person.
Human beings can't recognize the existence of something without words, languages.
As long as the language express some feelings or something, we can share them through the language.
That is, we just live in the limitation of the language which is artificial one.We can't share anything out of the limitation.

After all, people can't understand others and others' "world" exactly.

Simultaneously, others also can't understand me and my "world".
"World" seems to be same for everybody.
That is coz the world is same, I mean the place we exist is only this place.
But, other thing, even concept or feeling of something,All of them are fiction.

If there is a real or fact, this is the only one I can say "It's real."

SHUT UP!!

Hey!!! Shut up!!

What the hell!!! Zip up ur lip. Get off my back!!!

Don't fret 'bout small matters.
Don't behave like a lil baby girl,huh?
Grating...

U know, the Past has passed.
Nob can go back.
U know, the future is in the future.
Nob can predict it. Unless u r a psychic,ha!!

When the shit hits the fan, u always look back the past or worry 'bout the future.
Damn...U r gripping urself by the throat. Tough Shoot!!

Look at the Reality. See?? Where r u??
U live right now, huh?

Shut fuck up, guys!!

I won't be get involved in IT anymore.
I hate myself,HA!!!! I'll quit!! "Shoot or get off the pot!!" ??? Huh,
No thx lol

Stand Up, guys!!

I dont care the past and the future anymore.
I'll kick them out and ride on the now.Serves u right!!

Bad Luck?? HAHAHA
Come on~!! I'll smile it back!! I'll beat it.

Blow away "Negative","Pessmistic"!!
Think logically, Act passionablly. :-D

Open up our heart!! Smile back!! This is the most powerful arms!!!!!!

Ai

Who created “Love” and where was it created? It’s difficult.
Where should the feeling go? Somebody tell me secretly.
Birds can fly in the great blue sky without getting lost.
Where r we gonna go??

The % of Love success is terrible. Always it isn’t accomplished.
Though I love you… This feeling pisses me off
Please go away!! I wanna delete my existence.
How long do I have been thinking like this??
I still expect when I can see you next week.

Fate decided the people whom I should love in my life.
If it’s true, I have better to accept everything that I see everyday.
I know that.
Coz, I’m not like a person who can walk in the middle of a broadway
I often mind my step.

In reality, the biggest problem cannot be helped.
Besides, I wanna see you and be with you. This feeling always pisses me off.
Please go away!! I wanna delete my existence.
How long do I have been thinking like this??

Where r we gonna go?

The % of Love success is terrible. Always it isn’t accomplished.
Though I love you… This feeling pisses me off
Please go away!! I wanna delete my existence.
How long do I have been thinking like this??

In reality, the biggest problem cannot be helped.
Besides, I wanna see you and be with you. This feeling always pisses me off.
Please go away!! I wanna delete my existence.
I still expect when I can see you next week.
Hey, when can we see each other?




My feeling is like this lyric these days.
I donno what should I do anymore. Wat should I do???
Please tell me someone!! Please!!!
I've never thought things turn out like this... How can I know that??
Well, I am very weak coz of this feeling.
Im rly close to U, so I know there is no possibility that u'd have same feeling as mine to me. Never. 0%...
U said like..."If you didnt say, nobody can understand your feeling".
Yea. I know it very well.
That's y I never say my feeling 2 u. I'll never say...Coz
I dont wanna lose u.
Even thou this situation is rly hard 4 me, I have to put up w it.

Coz I luv u.

I wanna be w u 4ever.
I wanna be ur special.
I want u to want me.

Those desires sqweeze my heart.
Am I greedy?? Should I give up?? Should I leave u??
Everything is up to u.
I just cant go anywhere and do anything.

My smile :-) is only 4 u.
U r my first love in my life.

By Ur Side...

That night, I noticed that fall’ in luv w u is
Rly rly hard.
I felt pain in my heart.
Coz, I know u more than anybody.

U r always kind to me.
Yet it’s deeply squeeze my heart.

I’ve stared at u by just ur side like this, like this, but
Why? Why we r just only friends?
Even though I deeply luv u, I cant tell my feeling to u…
You don’t understand.
I’m so in luv w u.

“R u ok? U look not well.”
U asked me.
At that time, I said
“Maybe lack of sleep” with yawning.
To hide my tear.

I’ve had to tell a lie to
The most important person, u…

Everyday, Always my heart hurts.
Many time, many time I went beyond nights without sleeping.
I wanna go back to the day that
We met for the first time.
I’m so in luv w u…

If I tell u
“I love you.”
Perhaps, I wouldnt be able to smile again.
However, I cant pretend to ur best friend and
make a fake smile
Anymore…

To tell the truth,
I have loved u for a long long time.
Always, Every time, I luv u.
I wanna let u know this heart but I cant
I whispered this feeling into the blue sky.
I’m so in luv w u.

I’ve stared at u by just ur side like this, like this, but
Why? Why we r just only friends?
Although how much I luv u,
I must not tell…

You don’t understand.
I’m so in luv w u.

Art of Letting go
Mikaila

Put away the pictures
Put away the memories
I put over and over
Through my tears

I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I keep you here

Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Now here it comes the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on

How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning
Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye
But each time it catches in my throat

Your still here in me
And I can't set you free

So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes
the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on

How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning
Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade
What can I do?

But try to make it through the pain of one more day
Without you

Where do I start to live my life alone?
I guess I'm learning
only learning
Learning the art of letting go

I will NEVER forgive!!

Dear My lovey friend,

It is rly rly frustrating, huh?
I will never forgive him.

He just played w u. Even though he had a gf, he slept w u and said "I don't have a gf. "
He easily dirtied your pure heart up. Where should your love go??

Your tear toward him became my anger against him.
Your pain toward him became my hate against him.
Your love toward him became my mortification against him.
Your heart toward him became my enmity against him.

Hey, My lil sister, Why?

Why only you have to be hurt?
Why you have to have such a pain in your heart? Deeply .... inside of your heart...

Why don't you hate him?
Why don't you curse him?

You can do that!! You have right to do so.

Please don't say
"I still luv him." "I appreciate his kindness." "I wanna say thank you to him."

He was not kind AT ALL!! Why you don't notice it??!! eh?
He just played.... he laughed at you!! Why you still love him?
Why you still wanna see him!?

I cant believe men easily anymore!!!!!!!!!
I will never forgive such a F●ckin da●med s●it s●cks man!!!!!!!!!
"Scr●w you!!!!!!!!"
"Go to the hell."
"Never Come Back"
"Don't show me your fuckin face!!!!"
I'm damned!!! I don't give a damn for what he says!!
There is no room for his excuse. I rly rly mad at him.
I don't have any great insulting words against him now!!
Those words I mentioned above r not enough!!!!!!!!!! Those r tooooooooo weak!!!!!

Hey My girly, I will never forgive him instead of you.
I don't let him dirty your love anymore.

Cry baby, and wash away your pain.
Maybe you cant forget him 4ever,
but you can forget the pain someday in your future.

I'm a lil bit jealous coz you know what the Love is like.
My lovely friend, remember, I always by ur side.

I luv U.

Love Is Over Now

My heart doesn't listen
to empty conversation
and alarm of my mind

There is the ocean between us

I tried
to swim to the shore of you but
realized
it was a desert island
No love was there

I wanaa release your heart
So I will drop from this love

Love is over now

I dreamed tomorrow but
this is the reality
As for your feeling...
the kiss we did tonight told every thing

I wanna indulge myself in
your words...
sweet words

But
your eyes says
Love is over now

I wanna release your heart
So I will drop from this love
Love is over now

First and Last Love
is over now

JO: Give Back Human
by Mitsuyoshi Touge

Give me back my father

Give me back my mother

GIve me back my grandparents

Give me back my children

GIve me back myself

Give me back my people

Give me back people


As long as there is our world,

peace shouldn't be destroyed


Bring me back peace

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
●Mitsuyoshi Touge (1917～1953) was born in Hiroshima. This works is in a collection of his poem: Atomic Bomb Poem, which is published in 1952.6.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mitsuyoshi Touge was exposed to radiation when the atomic bomb was dropped on HIroshima. After that, he was doing activities such as the abolition of nuclear weapons. In the "Atomic Bomb Poem", there are 25 poems including this "JO". In 1951. 8, he published this collection when the Berlin Peace Meeting was held. Two years later from then, he died because of a disease. He was 36-year-old.

WORLD PEACE
~No more Atomic Bomb!! No More War!!~

Today is the Peace Day in Japan.

On August 6, 1945, the city of Hiroshima was the target of the first atomic bomb used against civil population in history. Three days later, on August 9, the United States dropped a second atomic bomb over the city of Nagasaki. In total, about one fourth of a million people were killed by the two bombs. August 15, 1945 the war was over. It left only many sorrows and hatreds all over the world.Today, Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and the country of Japan are strongly engaged in banning nuclear weapons and their testing worldwide.

It has already taken 62 years since the World War the second was over. I have never experienced any wars in my life. There is no terror of bombs in my life now. My hometown is rly countryside so my grandparents have never experienced an explosion of bombs. However, they have seen many many airplanes: B-29, which was carrying many bombs. During World War the second, my grandparents; my father's parents were elementary students. They told me that they were always hungry when they were little. They said that they ate anything they could eat. There was no confectionery and even enough meats or rice. I can hardly imagine that!!

Now, I can eat every 3 meal and I have never felt a fear of starvation so far. What is more, I can eat whatever whenever I want. Im talking those things for granted but I think I am rly rly lucky. "World Peace" sounds rly heavy and difficult. Yet, this means that each person have deep feeling or consideration for others. This may sounds small but this is very big step to make the world peaceful.

My mom's father, who is my grand father, was an HS student during the Pacific War. He had worked in a mine because it was duty for HS students at that time in Japan. He got TB: tuberculosis, at that time and lost one of his lungs. About 3years ago, 2004 Aug 16, he died because of lung disease. If he had 2 lungs he didn't have to die. I think he is also a victim of the war. After his death, his diary which he had written during the war was printed on a part of a book: "Gakkouni Sennsouga Yattekita" written by Mitsuyasu Sato. There are many diaries which were written by many people. When I saw my grandpa’s diary, I was so shocked at that. He said
"I wanna be a member of Tokkoutai: Commando, as soon as possible. I wanna die for Japan."
I couldn't believe it. He was just 16 or 17 years old at that time. Tokkoutai is very special team. To be a member of them meant death. My grandpa was kind and calm person. It was shocking sentences. I understood that war made people's heart rotten. It was not his fault but I had disgusting feeling.His older brother is also killed by the Pacific War. He was a soldier during the war. He was a member of "Tokkoutai". They attacked American army's ships with their small air planes. They had to commit a kind of suicide. Japanese people had to regard that kind of death as a glorious death. I could hardly believe the way of thinking of Japanese people at that time. Dying for the emperor is the greatest honor in Japan at that time.

Japan is the only country which was dropped TWO atomic bombs in the world.

Now, the people who experienced the atomic bombs are decreasing. The average age of them is 74, 6 years old now. 2.7 years older than last year. I should listen to their voice more seriously. I want to etch their sorrows and stories in my heart and tell those things to many people such as my children, grandchildren and also people around the world. I don't want my important people to experience such a deep sadness anymore.

Some people said "I don't want to see pics or videos about wars coz those are gross..." Indeed, it is not comfortable for many people to see dead bodies or cruel scenes. However, what are the real gross things?? They are the people's heart who is leading war. NO??

History is very important. Coz we can learn from it. If people in the past did good things, then we should imitate them. On the other hand, if they did bad things in the past, we must remember them and never repeat them again. Today is a very special day for me. That is because today is my love younger brother's birthday and also the Peace Day. I will never forget Aug. 6th forever. Of course, Aug. 9th is also important.

Many wars are still going in the world. I want many people know about wars more. I want not only Japanese people but also non-Japanese people to know about the Atomic bombs more!!! That is why I wrote this article in English. Please let me know your opinion!!

I also think that I have to study history and present society more. Japan is not only the victim of war but also assailant. Japan killed many people in Asian countries. (And also in American island "pearl harbor". Until I went there, I didn't know that fact. I was so shocked at that!!!!)There are many things that I donno yet, Im sure. I have to know more and consider about world peace. The important thing is to do something for it lil by lil, step by step!!!

Hey guys!! Let's think about Peace more seriously!! NO MORE WAR. NO MORE ATOMIC BOMB!! Please think about how to make peaceful world.

Let's take steps toward Peace!!


FOR THE WORLD PEACE :-)

I wrote about the atomic bombs mainly this time. Yet, there are more things that we have to know. Check them out!!

I wrote about the atomic bombs on this blog. It is "Monday, October 16, 2006 The Atomic Bomb". You should go to this address:
http://core1b-tomomitsuchiya.blogspot.com/2006_10_01_archive.html and the third article is this.

This is a webpage about Atomic Bombs.
http://www.japan-guide.com/e/e2125.html

This is music which junior high school students in Hiroshima made praying World Peace http://kids.s24.xrea.com/heiwa/sonota/negai/index.htm

Hadashino-Genn is a very famous comic book which describes the Hiroshima. This is rly rly shocking contents. But, don't escape from the fact!! All people around the world must know what happened in Hiroshima and Nagasaki exactly. Never repeat them.

This is very shocking book. "Sennsou no Tsukurikata": How to make the war.

This is a famous poem about the atomic bomb. "Jo" I feel sadness and anger from this poem. And also prey for the peace too...

When You're Gone

Avril Lavigne

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lied
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
and the clothes you left they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

We were made for eachother
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah yea
hall I ever wanted was for youto knoweverything
I do I give my heart and soulI can hardly breathe
I need to feel you here with me Yea...

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

MY OH MY

My oh my do you wanna say goodbye?
To have the Kingdom, baby, tell me why!!

My oh my do you wanna say goodbye?
To rule the country, baby, you and I?If you were my King...

Little princess in a terrible mess,a kingdom alone, with no love to confess.
Dreams of a prince on a tall white horse,runs like a spirit by the castle walls.
Gotta steal from the rich, when they don't know I'm coming, gotta give to the poor, no time for lovin'

My oh my don't you cry, 'cause there's no way I'm staying, I will leave.
Say bye-bye.
I'm going my way...

My oh my do you wanna say goodbye?
To have the Kingdom, baby, tell me why!!

My oh my do you wanna say goodbye?
To rule the country, baby, you and I?If you were my King...
I would be your Queen....If you were my King...
I would be your Queen....

Mystery deep in the royal heart.
Crying at night, I wanna be a part.
Prince, oh, prince

Are you really sincere?
That you one day are gonna disappear?

NO WAY

I could hardly believe it!!!!!!!!!

You said "I want to date with you."

OMG!!!!!!!!! What r u thinking about!?!?!?!?!?!

We talked a lot before and it was kinda argument,huh?

I have never thought that u said such a thing after our talking.

NEVER!!

How such a stupid man U R!! XP

This time, I wrote a letter to you and said everything I wanted to say very clearly, precisely.


Eventually, I thought cultural difference was not the prob.

The thing I couldn't understand the most was

PERSONALITY!!!!!!!

aw...No way...I can't understand and I don't think I wanna know your thoughts anymore.

I don't think I can be your good friend.

Im just your acquaintance or one of your friends. THAT IS IT!!

You didn't hurt me AT ALL!! That is GOOD lol

I didn't crush on you. So, you couldn't hurt me.

AH~~~ Anyway, I learned a lot this time.

"DON'T TRUST PEOPLE AROUND ME EASILY."

This is rly important!!

Cultural Difference

It is rly difficult 4 me to understand people who came from other countries.
I am always trying to do my best to understand their habits, behaviors based on their culture.
But, you know, I've never studied abroad before.
Then, how could I know other countries' culture deeply? Nah!! I can't, right??

I can't understand an American boy's behaviors these days.
I could hear what he said even though he spoke in English. BUT!!
But I wasn't able to understand his thoughts and feelings and behaviors AT ALL!!

Even though I am a person who loves English and talking with Int'l students, I AM JAPANESE.
There are many many Japanese students who don't wanna talk with Int'l students coz of the difference of languages. They are afraid of making mistakes. I mean it is scary for them to make themselves misunderstood to Int'l students. They think they can't fix the relationship coz of their poor English if they said something bad and Int'l students felt very uncomfortable.
Actually, I feel same way as them.
I am also afraid of those possibilities. Especially Im rly afraid of love affairs...

I donno which behavior is for a girlfriend. Which is the one you can do to both friends and a girlfried?? Which is right and wrong??It is a very big prob 4 me. I've been always suffering from those probs.

Yet, I wanna know other cultures more and make friends all over the world.
So, I am doing my best to improve my English and talk with them every day.

I already had a lot of trouble in the past with not only Japanese boys but also Int'l students.
I have many bad love affairs in the past.
I think these bad experiences piled up and became my big Traumas.

As for this time, he was rly rly nice to me at first.
He was a good listener and he've never denied me.
I thought he was a real gentle man. I believed he was kind and thoughtful and trustworthy.
I was rly stupid coz I started to think that I can get over from my past with him. Provably, I just wanted to believe so...
However, I think I was so smart coz I didn’t trust him very much. My heart alarmed to have a close relationship with him. So, I’ve done some precautions. So, I don’t have to regret anything now. That was rly nice protection, I think.

Anyway, I feel that I can’t trust any boys now coz he became one of my pretty bad experiences.

Can you say every girls around you "U r beautiful", "U r attractive.", and "I want you." in your culture?? Is it common in America?? You explained that the reason why you said those things is that you wanted to encourage me to have a confidence on myself, ha?
O K THX very much.
But it is not your business and is it rly the best way??
I strongly disagree with you!!
...Maybe in your culture, you can say that. But don’t do that in Japan. Saying such things based on such a reason is rly rude!! I felt very uncomfortable.

Can you hag a female friend tightly?? Or can you touch her body?? Or can you put your head on her thigh and lie down??
…Maybe you can do in your country. But here is Japan. We never do that to friends!!

Can you go to a female friend’s home in which she is living by herself?? And stay over night?? Can you take off your cloths except your underwear; I mean pants, in front of her??
…No Way!! I think you can do that to your best female friend. But are we best friends?! Nah, I don’t think so. Coz you came to Japan from this April, right?? Too short to be best friends coz we didn't always see each other, don't you?!

Do you rly think the “period” is the most important thing when a boy and a girl go out together?? Is short term relationship bad?? Is it rly difficult to have a long term relationship??
…I think the most important thing is “tie of hearts”. You just wanted to play with “quiet”, “Vague (cannot say NO)”, and “easy to obey” Japanese girls, NO??
I felt so during our discussion yesterday.
I don’t wanna be one of the girls who played with you.
NEVER, EVER, FOREVER!!!!!

Well, fortunately, you didn’t hurt my heart at all, coz I didn’t crush on you.
Potentially, I didn’t trust you and I was right. I was sooooooooo lucky coz I’ve surely learned a lot from my past; not to believe boys who say “I like you, I can understand ur feeling” easily.
This time, I was just confused very much and felt very bad.
But, that is it.

You, however, already hurt a girl’s heart who was your girlfriend only for 5 days at the beginning of April. Now, she doesn’t talk with you, never. She got big happiness these days. Her boy is rly nice and he consider ‘bout her more than himself unlike you.
Don’t stimulate her anymore.

I should be smarter than now. I won’t show my true heart to you anymore. I also won’t show my hostility to you. Coz being emotional and showing anger are not good way to survive in the world.
Besides, this time, I was also stupid. Coz I believed you a lil bit despite you are rotten. That was my fault.

Yet, thank you very much. I learned a lot from you.

Not ironically, I thought that I have to consider the cultural differences more seriously.
Eventually, it is a very very big prob in Japan, especially in my university.

I want Int’l students to do their best to know our culture more.
We need GR8 efforts to get to know each other more deeply.

I gatta learn.

Cry Baby

You kept doing your Best toward your dream.

You often made a lot of mistakes and you weren't able to do well everything.

Rain was really really cold and you couldn't say your true feeling to anybody.

I think ....
You were always making fake smile.
You were always nervous.
You were always trying not to cry.

Cry Baby
Today, Don't put up with!! Just Cry!!
Tear will wash away your pain.


You can't do anything as you wanna do in the world.
You wanna be strong but... Success = 0
Always not good. Your heart is not stable...

So, you should stop and cry. Don't care about other people around you. Just cry.
You don't have to pretend that you are strong. You are you.
Don't be afraid to show your weakness.

Look up. The sky is sometimes covered by thick black cloud.
Sometimes sunny but sometimes cats and dogs. Same as us.
Yes, you don't have to shame crying. After a heavy rain, you can see the light in the sky.

You are still learning in your life.

The more you try to climb the wall which you already face to, the more you are just in a hurry.
There, however, is only wing which can't fly with.
Even if somebody made fun of you, if somebody said you are stupid,,,
You should believe yourself !!

Little by little... why don't you sing sometimes?? You don't have to keep having so heavy things by yourself anymore. There are meanings in all of your pain. So, you can cultivate yourself and brush up yourself. It doesn't look short cut way. But it is the best way, just believe so. The more you cry, the more you will be strong.

Cry Baby.
Your way is not stable. But you have been walking on the way since you were born. This is the truth.
You should proud of yourself. Look up. There is a blue beautiful sky. Look around you. There are people who support you. Your tear is beautiful. Please let me know your feeling. Please show your real feeling to me.
Cry Baby.

Meeting To Talk

I talked with Ms Kelly yesterday in her office from 4:30 to 'bout 6:00pm. I talked a lot 'bout me :p

As I wrote previous article, I am down these days, you know :*(

I'm always trying to be more objective to myself and analyze myself. It is actually rly difficult but soooooooooo important!! Now, I know everything in my mind. I know what the problem which I'm rly suffering from is.

The problem is "Myself".

I know the thing I can only change is myself. Then, everything is gonna change lil by lil if I could change my attitude. The more time passes, the more I will get used to this new environment. Someday I will forget this pain of my heart that I'm feeling every day, every moment... I AM sure X-(

But.... Part of me can't accept :'O

NO....!!! Not "Can't"

I think I DON'T WANT to accept. I DON'T WANT to understand. I DON'T WANT to forget.

WHY?? :@ I DONNO!!!!!!

That is the point. That is the problem. I don't know how to manage this feeling, you know. I know everything in my mind, but I don't understand in my heart.

Now, my situation itself is not bad. I have a lot of friends and people who help me soooooooooooo much around me. I have some friends in my class, and they are rly nice to me. I won't give up my aims and dreams, so I still have a big passion :-) I can talk with Int'l students and I can rly enjoy talking with them every day :-D

See??

I am soooooooooooo lucky!! Don't you think so??

AH !! :'(

I want to be a person who can control my feeling....How should I go beyond myself??
How should I move on to the next step??

Am I Weak??

These days I feel not well physically and mentally.

I have had stomachache since 12 in this month. I donno the reason why I have such a stomachache. But I am very down now. So, that is why I feel not good these days.

From 9 to 11, new students had been to EAP orientation camp. I didn't join them. So I had a lot of free time. I felt very lonely when I was at my home alone. So I went to school everyday. I went to AIU and talked with my friends. It was really good time for me. But, you know, all of my friends already had classes. So, they couldn't be with me so long. When there were no people at the Cafeteria, I played the Piano. I have been telling myself that I can't take any classes with my classmates anymore. Yet, whenever I saw my classmates, I forget about it for a moment, and soon I remember. I always try to smile. As I mentioned before, I can't change this situation but I can change myself. I can change my mind and attitude toward my situation. So, I want to smile rather than crying.

But Smiling always is sometimes hard for me.
Sometimes I feel I want to burst into cry.

Student affairs and EAP teachers didn't give me any information about my new classes. In the morning on 12, I work up very early ('bout 6 am) to go to school. I went to the office to ask what I should do. Then, they said the EAP classes would be started from Monday. I can hardly believe it.

"Why you didn't give me any information??"
" Why I came to school today??"

I went to EAP boss teacher's office. He completely forgot about me. There was no my name on the bulletin board which announced students' classes. I was so shocked at that. I wasn't able to put up with such a treatment!! I felt I had strong pain in my stomachache. So, I went back to my home even though I had a club and circle orientation, and Ryochin: one of my classmates' birthday party on that day. As soon as I came back to my home, I cried and cried and cried.

I know I can't go to the BE with my friends.
I know I have to take EAP3 again.
I know I can't change anything except my mind.
I know I have to admire my situation.
I know I should be positive.
I know I should smile.......

I know... I know.... I know everything.

Yet... I can't accept. I can't endure with such a situation any more. I can't...
I want someone to help me. I can't go ahead any more....

Am I weak??

I want to be healthy.
I want to study with my friends.
I want to take Chinese classes.
I want to be ordinary sophomore students like my friends......

I want... I want... I want many things...

Am I greedy??

Whenever I saw my friends, I feel I am jealous them so much. And sometimes I can't
be kind to them.

OH!! NO!! I hate myself!!! How dirty heart I have!!!!!!!!!!!

What did I do??
Did I do anything wrong??

Too Painful.

Why the diseases chose me??
Why I have to give up so many things??
I don't think there are no gods in this world. It is not fair!!!!

I know there are so many people who have more serious problems than me.
I know I am enough happy girl compare to those people.
No Pain, No Life... I know.

I feel painful loneliness everyday. I can't smile anymore. I can't help myself anymore.

Don't leave me alone!!Please!!

Someone,,,please please come...and Help me...

Welcome Party

Yesterday night, we had a welcome party for new students.

It was really nice. I wasn't able to join a lot of games coz I have had a stomachache since 12 in this month... I donno why lol

The reason why I went to the Party is I would love to see my friends' dance.

It was really really gr8 :-D

Well done!! Megumi, Ikumi, Maasa, Kazue, Toru!!!!

I was sooooooo moved ;-) I love their Dance very much.

My Second Hometown

I went to Sendai in Miyagi pre. on 26, 27 in this month. I was rly looking forward to going there since 'bout 2 or 3 weeks ago :-) I met my gud friends who were my classmates in a cram skool ; Kawai-juku bunnri 2 years ago :-D

After I graduated my HS, I'd been in the cram skool to study for entrance exams of a university for 1 year. I've lived a dorm: kori-nu Kitayama with 'bout 60 girls. It was the first time for me to live far from my family so long. I made a lot of gud friends at that time. We had same aim even though our universities which we wanted to go were different. The dorm life was not so easy. The rules are rly severe, such as "We have to come back dorm by 8 o'clock pm", "We must not enter anyone room anytime.",etc etc... If we would break those rules, a Dormitory superintendent came to scold us :P It was rly scary lol Of course, we had so many problems among friends in the dorm almost everyday X-O But everything in that days was very very GR8 experience for me.We talked a lot everyday and shared our dreams.

The friends whom I met in Sendai this time was not in my dorm. But we'd met in skool almost everyday. Our class name was J2 which was for students who will take National or Public universities. We'd taken almost same classes and studied together. We'd encouraged each other :-D I can clrealy remember those days although 2 years passed already. The 1 year and friends are my treasure. Whenever I remember that year, I can be strong and positive. The 1 year made me more deep person. That year changed me a lot. Sendai is my improtant memorial place for me. It is my second hometown.

Well, in Sendai, We talked a lot. I still have many things that I wanna talk with them yet, haha!! We went to many stores such as "Forus", "AER", "Sakurano",and so on<3

They will come to Akita pre to meet me coz I'm gonna live by myself in an apartment .They are living with their families now. So, if they came to my home indeed, they don't have to care about time to go back home after parties!! How nice it is, ha? Anyway, I rly looking forward to their coming!! I can't wait :-D Soon, I will go back to Akita pre. New life is gonna be started!!!! Spring is coming so soon. I know I will have many problems in my future. Yet, whenever I think 'bout my second hometown and days in there, I feel I can overcome any problems.

Thx Nozomi, Tomoko, Yuki, and Akiko(Next time, we absolutely meet,k??). I luv U guys very much :-) Let's keen'n touch, dear. We are GR8 friends 4ever!!!!!