Am I Weak??

These days I feel not well physically and mentally.

I have had stomachache since 12 in this month. I donno the reason why I have such a stomachache. But I am very down now. So, that is why I feel not good these days.

From 9 to 11, new students had been to EAP orientation camp. I didn't join them. So I had a lot of free time. I felt very lonely when I was at my home alone. So I went to school everyday. I went to AIU and talked with my friends. It was really good time for me. But, you know, all of my friends already had classes. So, they couldn't be with me so long. When there were no people at the Cafeteria, I played the Piano. I have been telling myself that I can't take any classes with my classmates anymore. Yet, whenever I saw my classmates, I forget about it for a moment, and soon I remember. I always try to smile. As I mentioned before, I can't change this situation but I can change myself. I can change my mind and attitude toward my situation. So, I want to smile rather than crying.

But Smiling always is sometimes hard for me.
Sometimes I feel I want to burst into cry.

Student affairs and EAP teachers didn't give me any information about my new classes. In the morning on 12, I work up very early ('bout 6 am) to go to school. I went to the office to ask what I should do. Then, they said the EAP classes would be started from Monday. I can hardly believe it.

"Why you didn't give me any information??"
" Why I came to school today??"

I went to EAP boss teacher's office. He completely forgot about me. There was no my name on the bulletin board which announced students' classes. I was so shocked at that. I wasn't able to put up with such a treatment!! I felt I had strong pain in my stomachache. So, I went back to my home even though I had a club and circle orientation, and Ryochin: one of my classmates' birthday party on that day. As soon as I came back to my home, I cried and cried and cried.

I know I can't go to the BE with my friends.
I know I have to take EAP3 again.
I know I can't change anything except my mind.
I know I have to admire my situation.
I know I should be positive.
I know I should smile.......

I know... I know.... I know everything.

Yet... I can't accept. I can't endure with such a situation any more. I can't...
I want someone to help me. I can't go ahead any more....

Am I weak??

I want to be healthy.
I want to study with my friends.
I want to take Chinese classes.
I want to be ordinary sophomore students like my friends......

I want... I want... I want many things...

Am I greedy??

Whenever I saw my friends, I feel I am jealous them so much. And sometimes I can't
be kind to them.

OH!! NO!! I hate myself!!! How dirty heart I have!!!!!!!!!!!

What did I do??
Did I do anything wrong??

Too Painful.

Why the diseases chose me??
Why I have to give up so many things??
I don't think there are no gods in this world. It is not fair!!!!

I know there are so many people who have more serious problems than me.
I know I am enough happy girl compare to those people.
No Pain, No Life... I know.

I feel painful loneliness everyday. I can't smile anymore. I can't help myself anymore.

Don't leave me alone!!Please!!

Someone,,,please please come...and Help me...