Again...

Last night, (11/15/07 Thu) I had a spell of terrible headache again. I remember that I had the same bad spell last year in the AIU dorm around this season too.

I started to feel strange from 1 or 2 o'clock during Compute Literacy class. However, it was the day of weekly test 4, besides there was no bus if I left the class around 2 or 3. The class finished at 3 and I took the 3:40 bus, and came back home at 4 o'clock. I slept a lil bit but at 5:30, AJ came to see me. He came to Akita on Wed from Tokyo and he stayed Akita for only 2 day or so... there was no chance to c him except yesterday. Yet, I was so sick... I could hardly sit down.

After he left my home, I tried to to sleep. However, I couldn't.The headache became worse and worse. So, I called to Mayu who is a good friends of mine. She came to my home. At around 10 o'clock, I gave up to put up with the strong awful pain. Mayu called 119 and an ambulance came. I was taken to the emergency room of the Red Cross Hospital. I felt very bad. I was almost vomiting. During taking the CT scan, it was hard to stay on the bed without moving.

I put on a drip which contains sleeper and medicine for nausea. There are no medicines for my headache. Nobody can tell what it is. There was anything wrong on the CT pics.

Well, "Thank you, Mayu. I feel very sorry but I really appreciate your kindness and friendship. I feel that u r my friend. I need you very much."

Today, I was absent from the Int'l relationship class. I took shower and prepared to go to AIU. However, I felt bad and I gave up... I rly luv that class. I was rly looking forward to attending the class. I gotta review today's' chapter and catch up with the class asap!!!

I slept all day today. But still I feel a lil bit strange and my head has dull pain....Shoot ;-(

I don't know how I should manage this disease.
How long must I be afraid of this?

I watched a TV about headache today. It said that if I had strong headache so often, I would die earlier than other healthy people. Coz, the blood vessels of my brain is getting bad damage lil by lil every time I have headache. I would have cerebral infraction in the future. The percentage is 2 times as much as people who don't have headache.

I feel scared.

These days, I feel rly down mentally. What is worse, my body condition is like this!!

How can I do? I know I have to live as long as I live even though it is hard for me. There are many things that I can't predict, manage, and change in the life. Negative thoughts will cause more bad things. I know but I can't think in positive way now. I can't remember how to smile again. I want something which proves I am here. I need someone who needs me very much. Boys? Girls? Whoever. I don't need one-way feeling anymore. Please give me absolute thing. I know it is difficult to have absolute thing in the life. I know there is nothing which lasts forever in the world. Someone, show me true friendship. I need more. I need more. I can’t be satisfying w anything now.

It's not enough.

I want to believe something or someone as it or she/he is forever. Or, I wanna get away from it all. I wanna go somewhere that nobody knows me.

I'm tired…to live.