In the times of trouble...
11/18, 2007 Sunday.
I overslept and I was rly in a hurry.
Then, I took a wrong bus :-(
I had to call and changed the appointment of the dentist.
I should be there at 11:30 actually.
The time changed to 3:30 so I had to stay in Akita city until at least 5 or 6.
The wrong bus took me to the Wada sta.
I had to wait for 11:53 train there.
I had to pay extra money which I didnt suppose to pay X-O
Wat a day~!!!!!!!!
It was coooooold and rainy.
Damn...
However, I could meet Ruri in Wada sta.
We talked until the train comes.
The train was not crowded so I could sit down.
I could have enough time to let my back hair down at Starbucks in Akita city.
I could see Kerry who is one of gr8 teachers of AIU there.
I could concentrate on my HW.
I could eat yammyyyyy Hanamaru-Udon 4 my lunch ~<3>
After I went to the dentist, I walked back to the Akita sta.
I could take a bus which comes back to Goshono right away.
It was snowyyyyyyy :-D
I LUV snow very much!!!!
LALALA~~let it snow, let it snow, let it snow~~:p
White snow seems like that it covers up every thing.
I feel like that it would bring a whole new world to me.
And then I imagine that "Im not the one whom I used to be anymore!!!!!! hahaha :-D"
It seemed to be a bad day. It could be.
Yet, I prefer to say it was a lucky day~!!
Bad day and Good day is close-knit. If I think about the day negatively,
my thoughts would be gravitated deeply in that way.
Even if I had a bustling day, I wanna have time to look up in the sky.
If I thought the day was nonsensical, there would be at least one lil special thing.
I don't care decency. It is trifling!!! Hahaha
If I think everyday is just a worthlessness. Try to get out from such a degradation!!
There would be stupendous things in every single day.
Don't wither~!!
C?? Everything is up to me!!not somebody else.
ATTITUDE, it's rly up to me!!!!!!!!!!!
The show must go on...
Monday, November 19, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Again...
Last night, (11/15/07 Thu) I had a spell of terrible headache again. I remember that I had the same bad spell last year in the AIU dorm around this season too.
I started to feel strange from 1 or 2 o'clock during Compute Literacy class. However, it was the day of weekly test 4, besides there was no bus if I left the class around 2 or 3. The class finished at 3 and I took the 3:40 bus, and came back home at 4 o'clock. I slept a lil bit but at 5:30, AJ came to see me. He came to Akita on Wed from Tokyo and he stayed Akita for only 2 day or so... there was no chance to c him except yesterday. Yet, I was so sick... I could hardly sit down.
After he left my home, I tried to to sleep. However, I couldn't.The headache became worse and worse. So, I called to Mayu who is a good friends of mine. She came to my home. At around 10 o'clock, I gave up to put up with the strong awful pain. Mayu called 119 and an ambulance came. I was taken to the emergency room of the Red Cross Hospital. I felt very bad. I was almost vomiting. During taking the CT scan, it was hard to stay on the bed without moving.
I put on a drip which contains sleeper and medicine for nausea. There are no medicines for my headache. Nobody can tell what it is. There was anything wrong on the CT pics.
Well, "Thank you, Mayu. I feel very sorry but I really appreciate your kindness and friendship. I feel that u r my friend. I need you very much."
Today, I was absent from the Int'l relationship class. I took shower and prepared to go to AIU. However, I felt bad and I gave up... I rly luv that class. I was rly looking forward to attending the class. I gotta review today's' chapter and catch up with the class asap!!!
I slept all day today. But still I feel a lil bit strange and my head has dull pain....Shoot ;-(
I don't know how I should manage this disease.
How long must I be afraid of this?
I watched a TV about headache today. It said that if I had strong headache so often, I would die earlier than other healthy people. Coz, the blood vessels of my brain is getting bad damage lil by lil every time I have headache. I would have cerebral infraction in the future. The percentage is 2 times as much as people who don't have headache.
I feel scared.
These days, I feel rly down mentally. What is worse, my body condition is like this!!
How can I do? I know I have to live as long as I live even though it is hard for me. There are many things that I can't predict, manage, and change in the life. Negative thoughts will cause more bad things. I know but I can't think in positive way now. I can't remember how to smile again. I want something which proves I am here. I need someone who needs me very much. Boys? Girls? Whoever. I don't need one-way feeling anymore. Please give me absolute thing. I know it is difficult to have absolute thing in the life. I know there is nothing which lasts forever in the world. Someone, show me true friendship. I need more. I need more. I can’t be satisfying w anything now.
It's not enough.
I want to believe something or someone as it or she/he is forever. Or, I wanna get away from it all. I wanna go somewhere that nobody knows me.
I'm tired…to live.
Last night, (11/15/07 Thu) I had a spell of terrible headache again. I remember that I had the same bad spell last year in the AIU dorm around this season too.
I started to feel strange from 1 or 2 o'clock during Compute Literacy class. However, it was the day of weekly test 4, besides there was no bus if I left the class around 2 or 3. The class finished at 3 and I took the 3:40 bus, and came back home at 4 o'clock. I slept a lil bit but at 5:30, AJ came to see me. He came to Akita on Wed from Tokyo and he stayed Akita for only 2 day or so... there was no chance to c him except yesterday. Yet, I was so sick... I could hardly sit down.
After he left my home, I tried to to sleep. However, I couldn't.The headache became worse and worse. So, I called to Mayu who is a good friends of mine. She came to my home. At around 10 o'clock, I gave up to put up with the strong awful pain. Mayu called 119 and an ambulance came. I was taken to the emergency room of the Red Cross Hospital. I felt very bad. I was almost vomiting. During taking the CT scan, it was hard to stay on the bed without moving.
I put on a drip which contains sleeper and medicine for nausea. There are no medicines for my headache. Nobody can tell what it is. There was anything wrong on the CT pics.
Well, "Thank you, Mayu. I feel very sorry but I really appreciate your kindness and friendship. I feel that u r my friend. I need you very much."
Today, I was absent from the Int'l relationship class. I took shower and prepared to go to AIU. However, I felt bad and I gave up... I rly luv that class. I was rly looking forward to attending the class. I gotta review today's' chapter and catch up with the class asap!!!
I slept all day today. But still I feel a lil bit strange and my head has dull pain....Shoot ;-(
I don't know how I should manage this disease.
How long must I be afraid of this?
I watched a TV about headache today. It said that if I had strong headache so often, I would die earlier than other healthy people. Coz, the blood vessels of my brain is getting bad damage lil by lil every time I have headache. I would have cerebral infraction in the future. The percentage is 2 times as much as people who don't have headache.
I feel scared.
These days, I feel rly down mentally. What is worse, my body condition is like this!!
How can I do? I know I have to live as long as I live even though it is hard for me. There are many things that I can't predict, manage, and change in the life. Negative thoughts will cause more bad things. I know but I can't think in positive way now. I can't remember how to smile again. I want something which proves I am here. I need someone who needs me very much. Boys? Girls? Whoever. I don't need one-way feeling anymore. Please give me absolute thing. I know it is difficult to have absolute thing in the life. I know there is nothing which lasts forever in the world. Someone, show me true friendship. I need more. I need more. I can’t be satisfying w anything now.
It's not enough.
I want to believe something or someone as it or she/he is forever. Or, I wanna get away from it all. I wanna go somewhere that nobody knows me.
I'm tired…to live.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
The World
It’s easy to control everything in my life.
Coz, in my life, everything is fiction completely.
There is no real.
There is no fact.
The world just exists there.
I clip some part of the world out of the entire world based on my point of view.
I choose some of my feelings for each part and stick them on.
Thus I create my "world" using many those kind of parts.It is just like a mosaic art.
Each person has own mosaic art, own "world".
There are no same "worlds" in this world.
Language is just a way to connect person and person.
Human beings can't recognize the existence of something without words, languages.
As long as the language express some feelings or something, we can share them through the language.
That is, we just live in the limitation of the language which is artificial one.We can't share anything out of the limitation.
After all, people can't understand others and others' "world" exactly.
Simultaneously, others also can't understand me and my "world".
"World" seems to be same for everybody.
That is coz the world is same, I mean the place we exist is only this place.
But, other thing, even concept or feeling of something,All of them are fiction.
If there is a real or fact, this is the only one I can say "It's real."
It’s easy to control everything in my life.
Coz, in my life, everything is fiction completely.
There is no real.
There is no fact.
The world just exists there.
I clip some part of the world out of the entire world based on my point of view.
I choose some of my feelings for each part and stick them on.
Thus I create my "world" using many those kind of parts.It is just like a mosaic art.
Each person has own mosaic art, own "world".
There are no same "worlds" in this world.
Language is just a way to connect person and person.
Human beings can't recognize the existence of something without words, languages.
As long as the language express some feelings or something, we can share them through the language.
That is, we just live in the limitation of the language which is artificial one.We can't share anything out of the limitation.
After all, people can't understand others and others' "world" exactly.
Simultaneously, others also can't understand me and my "world".
"World" seems to be same for everybody.
That is coz the world is same, I mean the place we exist is only this place.
But, other thing, even concept or feeling of something,All of them are fiction.
If there is a real or fact, this is the only one I can say "It's real."
Monday, November 05, 2007
SHUT UP!!
Hey!!! Shut up!!
What the hell!!! Zip up ur lip. Get off my back!!!
Don't fret 'bout small matters.
Don't behave like a lil baby girl,huh?
Grating...
U know, the Past has passed.
Nob can go back.
U know, the future is in the future.
Nob can predict it. Unless u r a psychic,ha!!
When the shit hits the fan, u always look back the past or worry 'bout the future.
Damn...U r gripping urself by the throat. Tough Shoot!!
Look at the Reality. See?? Where r u??
U live right now, huh?
Shut fuck up, guys!!
I won't be get involved in IT anymore.
I hate myself,HA!!!! I'll quit!! "Shoot or get off the pot!!" ??? Huh,
No thx lol
Stand Up, guys!!
I dont care the past and the future anymore.
I'll kick them out and ride on the now.Serves u right!!
Bad Luck?? HAHAHA
Come on~!! I'll smile it back!! I'll beat it.
Blow away "Negative","Pessmistic"!!
Think logically, Act passionablly. :-D
Open up our heart!! Smile back!! This is the most powerful arms!!!!!!
Hey!!! Shut up!!
What the hell!!! Zip up ur lip. Get off my back!!!
Don't fret 'bout small matters.
Don't behave like a lil baby girl,huh?
Grating...
U know, the Past has passed.
Nob can go back.
U know, the future is in the future.
Nob can predict it. Unless u r a psychic,ha!!
When the shit hits the fan, u always look back the past or worry 'bout the future.
Damn...U r gripping urself by the throat. Tough Shoot!!
Look at the Reality. See?? Where r u??
U live right now, huh?
Shut fuck up, guys!!
I won't be get involved in IT anymore.
I hate myself,HA!!!! I'll quit!! "Shoot or get off the pot!!" ??? Huh,
No thx lol
Stand Up, guys!!
I dont care the past and the future anymore.
I'll kick them out and ride on the now.Serves u right!!
Bad Luck?? HAHAHA
Come on~!! I'll smile it back!! I'll beat it.
Blow away "Negative","Pessmistic"!!
Think logically, Act passionablly. :-D
Open up our heart!! Smile back!! This is the most powerful arms!!!!!!
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Ai
Who created “Love” and where was it created? It’s difficult.
Where should the feeling go? Somebody tell me secretly.
Birds can fly in the great blue sky without getting lost.
Where r we gonna go??
The % of Love success is terrible. Always it isn’t accomplished.
Though I love you… This feeling pisses me off
Please go away!! I wanna delete my existence.
How long do I have been thinking like this??
I still expect when I can see you next week.
Fate decided the people whom I should love in my life.
If it’s true, I have better to accept everything that I see everyday.
I know that.
Coz, I’m not like a person who can walk in the middle of a broadway
I often mind my step.
In reality, the biggest problem cannot be helped.
Besides, I wanna see you and be with you. This feeling always pisses me off.
Please go away!! I wanna delete my existence.
How long do I have been thinking like this??
Where r we gonna go?
The % of Love success is terrible. Always it isn’t accomplished.
Though I love you… This feeling pisses me off
Please go away!! I wanna delete my existence.
How long do I have been thinking like this??
In reality, the biggest problem cannot be helped.
Besides, I wanna see you and be with you. This feeling always pisses me off.
Please go away!! I wanna delete my existence.
I still expect when I can see you next week.
Hey, when can we see each other?
My feeling is like this lyric these days.
I donno what should I do anymore. Wat should I do???
Please tell me someone!! Please!!!
I've never thought things turn out like this... How can I know that??
Well, I am very weak coz of this feeling.
Im rly close to U, so I know there is no possibility that u'd have same feeling as mine to me. Never. 0%...
U said like..."If you didnt say, nobody can understand your feeling".
Yea. I know it very well.
That's y I never say my feeling 2 u. I'll never say...Coz
I dont wanna lose u.
Even thou this situation is rly hard 4 me, I have to put up w it.
Coz I luv u.
I wanna be w u 4ever.
I wanna be ur special.
I want u to want me.
Those desires sqweeze my heart.
Am I greedy?? Should I give up?? Should I leave u??
Everything is up to u.
I just cant go anywhere and do anything.
My smile :-) is only 4 u.
U r my first love in my life.
Who created “Love” and where was it created? It’s difficult.
Where should the feeling go? Somebody tell me secretly.
Birds can fly in the great blue sky without getting lost.
Where r we gonna go??
The % of Love success is terrible. Always it isn’t accomplished.
Though I love you… This feeling pisses me off
Please go away!! I wanna delete my existence.
How long do I have been thinking like this??
I still expect when I can see you next week.
Fate decided the people whom I should love in my life.
If it’s true, I have better to accept everything that I see everyday.
I know that.
Coz, I’m not like a person who can walk in the middle of a broadway
I often mind my step.
In reality, the biggest problem cannot be helped.
Besides, I wanna see you and be with you. This feeling always pisses me off.
Please go away!! I wanna delete my existence.
How long do I have been thinking like this??
Where r we gonna go?
The % of Love success is terrible. Always it isn’t accomplished.
Though I love you… This feeling pisses me off
Please go away!! I wanna delete my existence.
How long do I have been thinking like this??
In reality, the biggest problem cannot be helped.
Besides, I wanna see you and be with you. This feeling always pisses me off.
Please go away!! I wanna delete my existence.
I still expect when I can see you next week.
Hey, when can we see each other?
My feeling is like this lyric these days.
I donno what should I do anymore. Wat should I do???
Please tell me someone!! Please!!!
I've never thought things turn out like this... How can I know that??
Well, I am very weak coz of this feeling.
Im rly close to U, so I know there is no possibility that u'd have same feeling as mine to me. Never. 0%...
U said like..."If you didnt say, nobody can understand your feeling".
Yea. I know it very well.
That's y I never say my feeling 2 u. I'll never say...Coz
I dont wanna lose u.
Even thou this situation is rly hard 4 me, I have to put up w it.
Coz I luv u.
I wanna be w u 4ever.
I wanna be ur special.
I want u to want me.
Those desires sqweeze my heart.
Am I greedy?? Should I give up?? Should I leave u??
Everything is up to u.
I just cant go anywhere and do anything.
My smile :-) is only 4 u.
U r my first love in my life.
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